It seems like it is has been awhile since my last update. Although I tried to get my foggy brain to focus long enough to write a post I barely remember it.
The last 3 weeks have really been much more difficult than I had prepared myself for, and I don't even really remember 2 of those same said weeks. Goodness.
Sunday I took my first stroll beyond the driveway. As Marty walked on the right of me, I dreamed aloud all the ways next October would be different. This one feels lost. Gone. A whole month with not much to show for it. At least that's how it feels. Sadness instead of gladness began to creep along on the left of me.
I looked at the pink camellias blooming along side the pumpkins on the steps. I thought about seeing the first bloom the day I came home from the hospital. Although I was in a haze I remember how odd it seemed to see that bright pink flower near the pumpkins and took note of it with the glee of a child. As the surgery fog dissipated over, I learned that pink flower made me so obviously happy that Erin cut it and put it in a vase. She realized there was something significant about it for me.
Yesterday I came across another breast cancer survivor who now says that October, Breast Cancer Awareness Month, is a dreaded month for her. I wondered if I would feel the same in the future? Today when I'm not feeling all pumpkins and flowers... more like mack truck and deep pits...when that sadness creeps up on the left of me....how could I still love October in the future?
Today, I thought this: I get to choose. That's right. My choice. I did not get to choose the diagnosis (boo, hiss, but still really good in the breast cancer realm) or the prognosis (praise, blessing,life!), but I do get to choose my attitude.
I have always loved pumpkins and only now do I realize how beautiful they look next to the October pink blooming camellias that my GardenBuddy Meghan planted last year. She had no idea when she planted those in 2015 that those pink blooms in October would be the color of my memory of 2016.
I can choose to remember the color of healing through God's hands and His people who have surrounded me or I can choose to remember the pain and losses. I suspect there is a healthy way to remember both as God uses it all to bring glory to Himself and growth to us. I suspect this balance is much of what I need in order to choose the right attitude...the healthy attitude.
This next year will be a balance of patience for the healing process and grace for myself on the difficult days....a balance of choosing joy even as I allow myself to grieve the changes....a balance of focusing inward while still reaching outward....a balance of memories and on-going dreams for the future....a balance of loving pumpkins and pink camellias.