It's Only Temporary

Ever since I've come home I've walked through pink balloons with words of encouragement written on them.  Upstairs, downstairs...everywhere pink balloons and crepe paper streamers.  My dear daughter and her friend who is like my daughter wanted it to be a happy homecoming.  Also, every time I walk up or down my stairs I'm surrounded by cards and letters of encouragement.

Fight Club Supporters

As much as I hate to admit it, not every day feels likes pink balloons and streamers.  Yesterday was one of the bad days.  One of the difficult days.  Bleary eyed after a night of poor sleep and pain I finally caved in to take a nap on the couch.  The effects of a muscle relaxer making the edges of my brain less edgy, less determined to keep pushing through.

Words of wisdom from Erin.

As I made my foggy way to the couch I got a glimpse of this balloon and now it is something I keep reminding myself.  Wise words written by my daughter who knew I would need this reminder.  Now I keep saying this over and over.  

The change in my life is forever....this is a positive change I believe because God knows I always need worked on.  No change is without pain, no growth is without pain....I know all of this is for good and will have HUGE kingdom impact.

BUT, this affliction is only temporary, and even in this affliction I'm blessed beyond belief.   I am cancer free.  I am surrounded by 24 hour care through this amazing community.  My eternal salvation is secure in Christ.

It's only temporary and life is to be lived again!  Super yay!

So, no matter your affliction I hope you get a pink balloon reminder that it's only temporary and that God fills you with grace enough for the day.

New Life

I knew in my mind that my lymph nodes were clear and felt such relief.  Relief that words just can't do justice for, BUT the other part of me was still waiting for the other shoe to drop...the news that there was some micro-invasion and I would need chemotherapy.  Still better than lymph nodes but not happy news.

Beautiful gift from a friend the day I heard the awesome news.

WELL, my general contractor called me and told me there is NO MORE CANCER!  NONE. NOTHING LEFT!  Can you believe that!?  Our God is a MIGHTY MIGHTY GOD.  He answered prayers abundantly more than I even imagined He would.  The prayers of all of you mighty pink prayer warriors have been answered.  Spread the awesome news!  My cancer was very early and stayed contained so the whole story is a God story!

I go back to the Reconstruction Man next week and my need one more surgery as some skin may not survive.  It not we just cut it off and start over.  I'm ok with this.  No cancer is worth it.  I have no regrets about being this aggressive.  None.

The waterworks still come and go without warning.  Emotions all over the place.  My mind is not as clear most days as I would like.  After effects of anesthesia and poor sleep more nights than not.  Imagine sleeping on your back all night.  That part is hard.  We wedge me in with blankets and pillows so I can't roll over.  A literal pig in a blanket.  

I still have babysitters which I'm super thankful for.  I can't reach up in cabinets or shower by myself.  My friends and family and in laws have bathed me, shaved me and dressed me.  Put ointment on my wounds.  Kept the kitchen and house clean.  Being helpless makes you appreciate the community who loves me.

I still get pink reminders and encouragements.  Somewhere there's a football team wearing hot pink socks to be part of my fight club.  I don't even know any of these boys but they are out there being sweet on the field while girls in the stands hold up signs that say Sondie's Fight Club. That people want to pay it forward is amazing to me.  I pray blessings on every one of you and that some day your kindness will come right back to you when you need it most.

pink pumpkin with a pumpkin heirloom candle, smells like friendship!

Listen to Lauren Daigle's I Will Trust in You. This has been my theme song since August.  May it speak to your soul.  Sorry but I can't get the link to work.  Just google her!

As your weekend plays itself out take time to enjoy the fall weather.  Take time to thank our Good Good Father above that even in times of afflictions He is ever present.  Take time to be His hands and feet to someone in need.

Take. Time. 

Green Goblins

Well, I have returned to the land of the living.  I have lost last week.  My last real memory was having a party in the holding area, lots of fun and games going to OR.   That's where the fun ended.

 After that I have glimpses of being in recovery room, then in a hospital room and people's voices and some blurry faces.  Cards and flowers.  Laughter and tears.  Sisters and friends.  My filter doesn't always work well so with the drugs on board I'm sure I said things that were worse than usual.  I got stuck on alliteration...mastectomy, Matthew, Moore Regional, Millicent...magically delicious.  

my land of nod friends.

I spent from Thursday until today in never never land.  I only have very vague memories of giant sponges and saving kings and doing thyroid exams.  My poor family just about took me back to the hospital because they had no idea what to do with me and I couldn't help them.

No one slept at my house until last night.  We finally got the right combination of medications and I woke up this morning without a haze in my eye.  My poor twin got no sleep the whole time she was here.  I have no answers.  I never take medications so I guess they all just caught up with me.  Maybe it was Hurricane Matthew?  I missed all of him.

When I saw these cookies Erin made today I felt like I was meeting the friends from my land of nod for the past week.  How did she know?!

I believe I've turned a good corner now.  My sister in law is here now and people are delivering meals in spite of power outages.  Erin has been home from school so the cocoon I'm recovering in is a good one.  

Tomorrow I hope I am more clear headed than I am today.  I still have some fuzzy corners but that beats living with the green goblins of the last week.  Thanks for all you pink warriors standing by my side.  Praying in the gaps at times I haven't been able to pray.

Much much love to you all.

Post Surgery Update

Hello, out there! Sondie asked that I update her blog after surgery for any of you who might be following here for information. This won't be nearly as eloquent as her writing, but it will let you know how she's doing!

1. Surgery went very well. It started around 8 am and took about 4 hours. Both the Demolition Man and Reconstruction Dude said it couldn't have gone smoother. 

2. Pathology on the lymph nodes won't be back until Friday at the earliest. So please pray that there is no cancer there and therefore no need for chemo. 

3. She's been having some pain but it seems to be under control. 

4. Marty and Erin have been troopers and her sisters have been gems, making sure her every need has been met. Friend and nurse Sandy spent the night with her in the hospital making sure she kept the pain meds going on regular intervals. 

5. Erin and buddy Mary decorated the house with pink pigs today for her homecoming! So sweet!

6. Yes! She's home as of this afternoon. Still having pain but managing through it. I'm sure there will be some more rough spots over the next couple of days, so please pray for her.

7. She is so appreciative of all the visits, notes, and calls. She loves you all. Thank you. 

While we are here chatting...

Let's talk books!  Something other than cancer.  ha.   I have loved books and stories ever since I can remember.  I am an avid collector of written and spoken stories.

crafty sign by Laurie and Dale Inc.

Here is what I read in September:

1.  Jane Eyre-classic fiction 

2.  The Rare Jewel of Christian Contentment-christian nonfiction, finally finished this one that I started back in August.  Well worth the time!

3. The One-in-a-Million Boy-current fiction and a fabulous read.

4.  Prayer: Experiencing Awe and Intimacy with God-christian nonfiction, by my FAVORITE preacher man Tim Keller.

5.  Anecdotes of Destiny & Ehrengard- classic fiction/short stories, book club selection.

6.  Lab Girl- current nonficiton, enjoyed this one too!

That wraps up September reading!  Now on to October.  I'm always open to suggestions if y'all have any.

Happy Reading!  

The Wearing of the Pink

I have never been a big fan of pink until now.  

Now I am learning that pink is the color of warriors.  Suddenly, when I see pink or wear pink I feel stronger, braver and more joyful.  Pink is part of faith growing.

 It is a visual reminder of the great God I serve and how He sustains me.  Of the mighty warrior God He is.  That He is ever fighting for me.  

Erin plans to wear pink every day this month, Breast Cancer Awareness Month.  Ahem, we are very aware. This battle has been brought to our front door and we are fighting.  Well, God in us and through us is fighting.  He trumps our weak efforts every time.

The waiting is coming to a close for this leg of the journey.   Surgery is this Wednesday, October 5th.  A good way to start the month of breast cancer awareness I'd say. 

The Demolition Man and Reconstruction Man are ready to go to work.  I am ready too.  

I am a warrior and I will wear pink. 

Stars in the Storm

We wanted to pray before we went our separate ways, but had already scooted out of the house headed to our cars. So we gathered in the driveway.

We stood in a tight circle, arms draped around waists.  The wind whirled all about us while the drum beat of thunder played a stormy song. The clouds made effervescent by the endless lightening that rolled across the sky. No rain yet.

In that tight circle, under that powerful sky, we prayed.  After the amen none of us moved. The presence of God hovered over us.  

One of us looked up and noticed that although the storm surrounded us, the sky above our heads was twinkling with stars.  An awesome reminder that even in the storm God doesn't remove the stars. We don't always see them but tonight we did.

We stood.  Awestruck.  Wonderstruck.  A very surreal moment.  A beautiful gift from God that each of us felt.

 Tonight we saw the stars in the storm.

Thank you Bible study girls (SAS) for standing in the storm.

Two Hands

Not much to say today.  Just counting down.  The waiting has been one of the most challenging parts of this journey from the get go.  

On the one hand...I AM READY.  Cancer be removed.

On the other hand....I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS.  Cancer just disappear.

On the one hand...I am counting down in my head and in my heart until October 5.

On the other hand....I am astounded by how many of you are counting down with me.  wow.

On the one hand....I still can't believe the support that surrounds me.

On the other hand....I continue to receive DAILY reminders of your love so I know it is real.  

Really, y'all.  Amazing support.  Books, cards, prayers, blankets, journals, PJ's, the S5 necklace, flowers, emails, texts, stones, more prayers, pictures.  I could cry rivers over all this.  I feel so unworthy of these blessings and I will never be able to thank you all.  By posting some of this I am trying to let you know how much it means.

Today was this card from my neighbor.  Can you see the little pink sparkles on it?  That's glitter.  How fun is that?

The pink glitter that showered out of this precious card was a visual reminder of the love y'all are showering on me.  Today was a day I needed to be reminded of pink glitter and a joy filled heart.

The countdown continues.

Doctor Day

Today was doctor day for the first time in a few weeks.  I met the Reconstruction Man.  

In case you are wondering I have a General Contractor Woman (oncologist), a Demolition Man (general surgeon) and now a Reconstruction Man (plastic surgeon).  It was good to finally meet him and get an idea of what to expect.  

The appointment started by talking with the nurse and doing a photo shoot.  Although it was a little more than weird to stand in front of the blue screen like when you get your picture taken for your driver's license BUT this time you aren't wearing your shirt...or your bra....yes, while having your picture taken.  ahem.

As I posed facing forward and then to each side I wondered if I should smile.  I almost made silly faces.  Then I thought about doing that "stay fierce" thing but I figured that would mess up the picture.  So I just stood as I was told to stand, and am pretty sure the look on my face was pensive.  

While I waited on the doctor to come in I played with all the sample implants.  I wondered which one I would choose.  Round, teardrop, floaty, firm, gel like. Who knew there were so many to choose from??

When the Demo Man came in I got the low down.  I learned where the incisions would be and how this whole thing would work.  Basically the Demolition Man will remove my stuffing and the Reconstruction Man will put in new stuffing.  I will start with less stuffing and gradually get my stuffing back to the size I want.  

My went back to when Erin was 3 years old on her first trip to Build-a- Bear with her cousins Biz and Khi.  They picked their bears and made promises while holding the hearts that would be put in their bears. They named them and stuffed them.   It was all undertaken with a beautiful blend of joy and responsibility for their new stuffed animals.  Now instead of being in the build- a- bear season we are in the build -a -boob season. 

 I remembered that childhood joy and I wondered if he could put some glitter in with my new stuffing. Maybe pink glitter? No one would see the glitter but I would feel like a walking party! Distracted by having a party on my chest I was suddenly jolted back to reality with talk of drains and scaffolding made of cadaver skin. Guess I won't be getting pink glitter.

Later, once the expanders are out and the implants are in, I should be done.  He did prepare me that I might need some spackling in the future.  I immediately offered up my thighs to provide the spackling compound.  

While this won't be glitter party, I will be just fine.  I feel very comfortable with team of people working on my body.  I also feel amazingly blessed for all the support surrounding me.  

This is all going to be ok.  I just know it. 

Thank You for the Porch Presents and More!

My neighbor and breast cancer warrior woman Laura stopped by today with this set of keychain verses.  Someone made a set for her during her breast cancer battle, so she does it for others now.  I never even knew such a thing existed.  Talk about a tear jerker.  It is another way God keeps showing Himself to me through all of you.  She also spent time walking me through some of my 10% moments of the last week.  Such a gift!

And notice the flowers, another neighbor left them on my porch yesterday.  Plus, a whole nother neighbor has kept me in fresh flowers since the diagnosis.  Wow...Matter of fact, I've had fresh flowers in several rooms of my home!  Sweet reminders of God's presence with me and my family right now.

Many of you have texted, called, emailed, commented on my twin's Facebook (Susie says I can say her name haha) or my husband Marty's Facebook page. You have texted Marty or my daughter Erin to love and support them too. You have sent hand written notes and cards. You have hand delivered coffee, poetry books and wine to my office.  You have visited with me, laid across my bed and cried with me.  Gone to dinner with Marty and I as we sift through this.  MOST importantly, you are praying. Y'all have been amazing support. 

I do not deserve any of this.  I will never be able to repay or thank you enough.

 You are my Fight Club.

We are a Symphony

Hello on this Sabbath day.

I spent some time this morning with eyes focused on my concert master (Scripture) and conductor (God) and reflected on my week. I thought about the instrument God created me to be and the song He is playing through my life.

Where are these symphony analogies coming from you ask?  From Beth Moore.  I spent Saturday at the Beth Moore simulcast at my church. Being a former French horn player the symphony analogy really resonated with my spirit.

She said something like this:

We all have a chair in God's great symphony.  We are not the audience.  The chair we sit in is the one God wants us in.  We are the very instruments He created us to be.  We need to stay in tune through scripture as our concert master (in a symphony the concert master is the first chair violinist) and we need to keep our eyes focused on the conductor (God).  If we don't stay in the Word we will get out of tune AND whomever/whatever our eyes are focused on becomes our conductor.  No one but God should be our conductor.  He alone needs to be the boss of me for sure.

Another point from Beth is that a symphony is a community.  We need one another.  Our music is best played when in concert with others. God is reminding me of His call to live in community in a very real way right now.  I soaked up the music of many lovely instruments at the simulcast. Through conversations with old friends and lunch with some new friends, I left amazed at what God has done and is doing.  I left with a thankful heart that so many women are sitting in their chairs playing their God songs.

Sometimes we don't like the song God gives us to play.  We may not even like the instrument we are.  BUT even when we are in a painful season we must not vacate our chairs and fall down in the pit.  God uses the painful seasons in our lives.  These seasons give our souls weight and become part of our song.  A song with a majestic melody a heavenward harmony played through us to reach others. 

There's a breast cancer warrior woman in this group!

Like the warrior woman I had the privilege of spending time with Friday night.  Her life song has reached many that would not have been reached if not for her beautiful music.  She is younger than me by over a decade but she has been instrumental in my journey so far.

As I drove home from the simulcast, top down of course, simply enjoying the wind in the setting sun I had a 10% moment.  I cried.  I wasn't feeling sad when it started, I was simply thinking about all that I had heard. I started thinking about my song and suddenly thought "I don't want breast cancer to be my song."  

But it is.  So I choose to continue playing my horn through the pain.  I refuse the pit.  This pain will count.  

With eyes on my concert master and conductor I play on.  Yes, I play on.  

So must you.

Peace on this Sabbath day.

While You Wait

The last month has been a mix of whirlwind and waiting.  You walk around with your body on Earth and your mind on Mars from the Bad Mammogram to the first biopsy results. Your emotions are about 50% Run Amuck and 50% Peace at this point.

 Then you decide that your left boob is not your friend and you are done with her.  The percentage improves to 60-40% now.

Between the next week of tests and biopsy on the right boob you realize that she is too is a turncoat and not to be trusted.  You battle Peace and Run Amuck and hit about 70-30%.

You research and review and meet your oncologist and decide to go for the gold.  Double or Nothing.  Now you function at the 90-10%.  Much better.

While all of this is going on, you nest.  Yes, nest.  It is a similar feeling to when you are about to have a baby and you want everything prepared.  But this time you want everything prepared for your recovery because you know you will be out of commission about a month.

You buy bedding and sheets that you have wanted for 10 years.

Your husband and a few friends finish the reconstruction on your bedroom because you know that you don't want your boobs and your bedroom both to be under construction at the same time.  Plus husbands and men are fixers and this is something they can fix.

Queen Esther Brown

You take advantage of a Labor Day Sale on a giant chicken picture because you really like the look in her eye.  You name her Queen Esther Brown and hang her in your dining room because you like the idea of her presiding over the meals around your table.

You splash Fall decor around your house because this is your favorite season and you don't want to miss it.

You ride with your top down as much as possible because your soul loves the sweetness of the sunshine and your skin loves the dancing of the wind.  You seriously do not care what your hair looks like. You also like the sneakiness of capturing a picture as you slow down for the red light.

You realize that while money in your pocket is important, a pocket full of family and friends is luxurious....and you like luxury.  From the people who lived near you in the holler, to childhood and school friends, to co-workers, to Neighbors, to your church family, to your family-family, to your Old Fat Hogs, S5, Book & Bottle, Shine Girls, SAS, Team Neese and missionary friends you know you have more than you deserve.

Your head leaves Mars and travels back to Earth to meet up with your body again.  You know who you are, where you come from and where your eternal home is.  No boobs needed.

 You realize you are a daughter of the Most High God and you live in the lap of luxury.

Tuesday

I have heard from two breast cancer warriors about the amazing, incredible journey the breast cancer journey is.  Two days in a row.  When you hear almost the exact same words-- from two different women-- two days in a row---well your two ears perk up and listen.

Both women told me that the journey was one of the most incredible times of their spiritual walks.  That while she would never choose cancer, she would also never trade that time in her life for anything.  

I can say that I have already felt the supernatural outpouring of a loving God, and I can't imagine how much more I am about to experience.  He has been a very present help in this time.

While I don't understand why certain people have certain afflictions, I trust that God knows the best medicine for what ails my heart and what ails yours.

So, here's to never being shaken because He alone is God.

Happy Tuesday y'all.

It all started like this....

I went for my annual mammogram.

Yes, as simple as that.  

Feeling very healthy, just back from a week at the beach.  I had been exercising and eating well and feeling the best physically I had felt for several years now.  Then wham.  

The initial bad mammogram report came through about 3 weeks ago...note it will be known as the bad mammogram from here on out.

 It was a Friday afternoon when I received the call.  I could not leave work so I asked to have the report faxed to me and I scheduled the extra views for the following Thursday.  When I received the report I knew I would not dodge this bullet.  Both breasts had "worrisome" and "suspicious" places.  I shared with 2 nurse friends and 2 doctor friends but other than that I went about my normal weekend business.

I hosted our neighborhood supper club and a Sunday lunch group.  I continued to read my book club selection The Rare Jewel of Christian Contentment, which was challenging with my current circumstance, but VERY timely. I spent the weekend finding contentment and reveling in time with friends.  I looked at the gatherings around our table with different eyes as I basked in the richness of community.

Finally, late Sunday evening, I told my husband.  He didn't understand why I hadn't told him sooner.  He would have changed his plans and stayed home.  Exactly.  I did not want to change his, my family's, or my friend's weekend.  Also the bigger reason is that I had to let this settle in my soul and I had to be settled by God.  No matter what the future held He had to be enough.  

So, here I am.  Three weeks later with enough mammogram views of both breasts to last a lifetime, two sets of ultrasounds with gel smeared from armpit to armpit, an MRI and two different types of biopsies in both breasts.

It appears I am very blessed to have found a very early cancer growing in the left.  Just nestled there silently.  Not making any fuss that is obvious.  No lump that can be felt.  The right looks clear but still has areas that are indeterminate short of a trip to Duke with MRI guided biopsies.

With this information it is enough for me to decide to have a double mastectomy.  This will greatly reduce my recurrence risks which is a big goal!  It will also eliminate radiation.  Unless the doctor finds evidence of invasive cancer during the surgery I won't even need chemo!  

Now you are pretty well caught up.  Surgery is scheduled for October 5th.  I will know more after that.

Last thing...ladies get your mammograms!  Maybe don't do it around your birthday though. It did make the birthday a little less festive for myself and my twin BUT knowledge is power.  Go.  Be empowered.