Petals in My Pocket

One of our Christmas traditions is to watch It's a Wonderful Life.  It should probably get old to us but it doesn't.  It is such a good movie to celebrate the season, to remind us of what matters and to reset ourselves for the coming new year.  Without fail something new hits me every year.  This year Zuzu's petals have taken up residence in my mind.

Have you seen the movie?  Remember that classic moment when the angel Clarence wisely gives George Bailey his wish to never have been born?  George goes through the night taking Clarence around town to his usual haunts while seeking soul comfort... but there is none to be found.  It finally dawns on him that his wish was granted and he had never been born.  He frantically searches in his pocket for his daughter Zuzu's flower petals he put there earlier in the night.  When he can't find Zuzu's petals, he realizes the horrible reality of a life never lived.

At the end of the movie when his life is restored Zuzu's petals are back in his pocket. The petals are confirmation that his life has been lived.  He frantically rushes home to embrace his family and his second chance at life.  The community rallies around to bail him out the bind that lead him down the road of despair.  He stands watching in awe as crowds of family, friends and neighbors all chip in.  He finally realizes it truly is a wonderful life.

At the end of this year I feel like George finding Zuzu's petals in my pocket, watching in awe as a community rallies to help. A gift money could not buy.  A gift that kept me going... Prayers, love, meals, gifts, money, help with meals and chores and showers (eek!)...a steady stream from Heaven.  Petals in my pocket, reminding me that my life has purpose. That I have truly lived a wonderful life.  

As the year closes, I want to reflect on 2016 in a positive way.  I want to be sad about the difficult parts, but I do not want to wallow in them.  I would rather roll in the wonder.  The wonder of God's healing touch, the wonder of restoration, the wonder of family, friends and community...the wonder of a cancer free second chance.  The wonder of a life well lived in good times and bad.

So long 2016!  Cheers to 2017!

December Review

I thought I would write more but I sure haven't!  Oh well, here's the month in review.  Nothing profound or even well written in this post.

December has held its usual holiday busyness, good busyness.  Plus I made a change in my job and had pre-op.

We started our annual Christmas puzzles as soon as Thanksgiving was over and worked 4 of them.  We've decorated, baked cookies, shopped, wrapped, visited family & friends, gone to church services & school programs just as many of you have.  I had a hard time not over-doing it because it felt so good to do things again.  Then came Christmas weekend and it was was fabulous...I couldn't have asked for more!  Very blessed!

The job transition is going very well so far.  My schedule has been much busier so that has added a little extra challenge, but I really do like the new office.

Pre-op went....not as good as I had hoped.  I felt stressed out and tired that day. (and I do not want to be stressed out as stress is what likely landed me in this spot) My BP was the highest it's ever been so I just didn't feel well.  Now, I am monitoring my BP which has improved and shouldn't cause a problem as long as it doesn't get any higher....

AND I busted my boobs.  yep.  Sprung a leak.  First the right, then the left.  I should have called when it happened but instead I figured they were busy, and I would just address it at the scheduled pre-op.  Health care workers make horrid patients.

The expanders have flattened out quite a bit but there's still some saline in them. Reconstruction Man thinks they were expanded long enough to be able to handle the implants.  I sure hope so. Surgery on January 12 so we are going to just leave them alone.  Y'all can pray the surgery goes off without a hitch please!  I will keep you posted about that.

On the reading front:

1.  So Long, See You Tomorrow-Fiction 

2.  A Guide to Fervent Prayer-Arthur Pink, Christian nonfiction (took me months to get through this one) 

3.  A Thousand Vessels-poetry

4.  The One True Story-Christian nonfiction (daily Advent readings, thanks B!)

5.  The Dawning of Indestructible Joy-Christian nonfiction (daily Advent readings)

6.  Lying Awake-Fiction 

7.  Hidden Christmas-Christian nonfiction and book club selection.

Hope the rest of you had a marvelous Christmas and are gearing up for New Year's!  

Some Days and Other Days

I can't believe we are at the end of November.  The time continues to fly by some days and drag by other days.  The next surgery seems so close some days yet so far away other days.  

In all honesty, some days I still can't believe the events of this year, and on other days I know it's real and am thankful for the answers to prayer.

November has been a good month. Some days have been better than others.  Some days I have more grace for myself on the bad days, other days I have little grace for myself when I'm having a bad day.  I think I should not have a bad day in light of things so I get frustrated with myself on the bad days.  My mom always told me I was harder on myself than anyone else ever would be.  She was right.

Several good things this month.  November has been a social month.  Neighborhood dinner, book club, S5 monthly dinner and birthday parties.  Plus Thanksgiving.  Lots to celebrate!

I also read more this month, so that makes me happy! Here's the list if anyone is interested.

1.  You Learn by Living-nonfiction

2.  Present Over Perfect-nonfiction

3.  The Art of Hearing Heartbeats-fiction (book club)

4.  Next Life Might Be Kinder-fiction

5.  84 Charring Cross-nonfiction

6.  Four Seasons in Rome-nonfiction

I also managed to watch Bleak House and the first season of Poldark.  Record screen time for me in one month!

All in all a pretty well rounded month...kind of like me after Thanksgiving.  

Now, Advent has begun.  The season of hope and anticipation.  I encourage each of you to seek the King who came as a baby all those years ago.   

For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders.  And He will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.  Isaiah 9:6 NIV

Neighborhood Dinner- A Novel November

Today was Neighborhood Dinner Day.  Well, not officially of course, just here in my little world. We started our Neighborhood Dinner 6 years ago and have not missed one single month. Amazing really.

We have lived life in a real and rich way with one another.   We have had times of great laughter and times of great tears.  We have been blessed to be neighbors in an old fashioned sort of way....the "can I have an egg and a cup of flour?" sort of way....the "I've locked myself out can you come help me get in my house?" sort of way.... "can you watch my cat/dog/child?" sort of way....in a sort of way that makes me sad that not everyone has this....in a sort of way that reminds me of how very blessed I am.

We are multigenerational, from 70's to newborn.  That is part of what makes this gathering so awesome.  We have wisdom and youth.  Salt and sugar.  Vim and vigor.

Today was the first time I've hosted since August.  It was at that dinner in August that I had just gotten my mammogram report and it was my secret.  It was at that dinner that I saw my neighbors through a different lens, the lens of "life is short and I want to taste all of it."

This dinner marks the first meal I've cooked since surgery.  Marty helped me get it started Friday night.  He cut the carrots and potatoes, I sauteed the onions and measured the seasonings.  As I listened to his steady chopping and my onions sizzling, I prayed.  Prayers of thanks. Prayers of joy.  Prayers of peace.

Our theme this month was A Novel November.  Foods from books... I made beef stew from an Alice Munro book, B made chocolate pie from The Help (Isn't that funny?!) and L made salad from Treasure Island.  We were a small group today, but it seemed fitting just as the bigger louder full of laughter crowd in August seemed fitting. With this being my first hosting after the diagnosis, it hit me that this really is a Novel November.  

Another meaning of the word novel is "new or unusual in an interesting way".  Life feels new and unusual in an interesting way.   Hosting Neighborhood Dinner last time compared to this time is like bookends....life before and life after.  

I'm thinking this blog will become my place to figure out how to live life truly Double or Nothing in a Novel sort of way.  The girl that has been buried beneath layers of life is ready to once again be the girl full of life...to make this November a Novel one that carries through the rest of my life.

Thanks for being a part of it all. 

Cheers.

Doctor Update

I'm done with my glitter fill ups!  Yes, I realize it is really just plain old saline, but I like to imagine it's pink glitter.  It helps me keep my shine on.  My Reconstruction Man said I've done this expansion process as quickly as it could be done, and I think that's an answer to prayer.

My next surgery is scheduled for January 12, 2017.  After that I should just have one more little hurdle in the summer of 2017.  The January surgery is the removal of the glitter holders for the final implants.  I hear the implants are much more comfortable than what I've got now so I'm looking forward to that.

As I look back over the last few months of my life I realize I've never felt God's presence more than during this season.  I've never seen so many answers to prayer as I have lately.  I have never been better loved.  

There have been so many answered prayers through this whole process that I have no doubt God is making this count.  No doubt that people's lives are changed, faith is grown, or most importantly that salvation becomes someone's new life story.

To be used by God is a tremendously humbling experience.  To be used by God does not mean health, wealth and fame.  It means dying to self and letting God use you in the way He sees fit.  It means trusting Him in the storm.  It means more than the world or our Babylonian culture can sometimes comprehend, myself included.  

Thanks again to all of you who have been His hands and feet...God has used you in this season.  May you grow as He is glorified.

October-The Short and Long of It.

Well, I woke up and October was gone.  Thought I would do a little wrap up with something other than cancer.

The short of it is my reading list...probably the shortest in my adult life but at least I got 2 books in.  Both were on my Kindle as it required less energy to hold.  Also my Peeramid Bookrest is super for hands free reading.

1.  Notes from a Blue Bike: The Art of Living Intentionally in a Chaotic World-Christian non-fiction.

2.  God in the Sink: Essays from Toad Hall-Christian non-fiction  

The long of it is my 5 year journal.  I'm on my 4th year and so thankful that I have 3.5 years of "normal" life recorded.  Amazing what I've captured over the last 4 years! I am so glad the breast cancer journey is part of this journal.  The 5th year will start in 2017 and get me through the recovery period as well.  The timing will seem right in 2018 to start with a fresh new 5 year journal.

I became intrigued with 5 year journals after some family members found lost journals of my grandfather.  A man who died before I was born. He was an avid journaler and between a 5 year and a few 1 year journals we have a small window into several years of his life. 

 I've been able to read about his work as an engineer, local events and restaurants of his day, his banking experiences, his BP problems which had no fix back then (which is why he died in his 50's of a sudden heart attack), his very first vehicle back before they even had adequate roads, his time with older family members visiting his parent's graves, his hobbies....and the most painful part of my mother's life when she was 3 and he dropped her at an orphanage after my grandmother died.  So many things about my family that I never would have known if not for his journals.

I was so intrigued to "get to know" my grandfather as well as read about that time period, it convinced me to start the 5 year journal habit. Have you ever considered starting this habit? Now is a good time to buy one for yourself to start in 2017!  You can buy them on-line or at most book stores.  You won't regret it, especially when you get to the second year and are able to reflect on the past year.  Plus you never know who will be reading about you in the future.  I bought someone's 5 year journal at an antique shop and her life was amazing! I'm not sure how it ended up being sold, but I love reading about her life in the early 1950's.

So, there you have the short and long of it.  2 books and a 5 year journal.

Hope your October was good and you are ready for the holiday season!

Doctor Day

A brief update on the physical part of this journey:

Saw the Reconstruction Man this evening and all is well.  Started the expansion process.  Will have some minor reconstruction work on the left side due to post op complications but he assures me it will be minor and turn out fine.  I'm happy with that because at one point the other option was me back in the OR a week ago.  Praise God he prevented that.

Fatigue is from low blood counts and will improve as my hemoglobin improves.  I just like knowing there's more of a reason than not.  For some reason that helps my mental state...and I am feeling better each day.

It is amazing that I've had no major set backs or complications.  Once I crawled out of Alice in Wonderland's rabbit hole things have progressed ok.  

If I can tolerate expansions and no complications we will try to do the big exchange in late January!  What a relief that will be. 

That's the latest physical update.  No cancer so I'd say all is really well!

Pumpkins and Pink Camellias

It seems like it is has been awhile since my last update.  Although I tried to get my foggy brain to focus long enough to write a post I barely remember it.

The last 3 weeks have really been much more difficult than I had prepared myself for, and I don't even really remember 2 of those same said weeks.  Goodness.  

Sunday I took my first stroll beyond the driveway. As Marty walked on the right of me, I dreamed aloud all the ways next October would be different. This one feels lost.  Gone.  A whole month with not much to show for it.  At least that's how it feels.  Sadness instead of gladness began to creep along on the left of me.  

I looked at the pink camellias blooming along side the pumpkins on the steps.  I thought about seeing the first bloom the day I came home from the hospital.  Although I was in a haze I remember how odd it seemed to see that bright pink flower near the pumpkins and took note of it with the glee of a child.  As the surgery fog dissipated over, I learned that pink flower made me so obviously happy that Erin cut it and put it in a vase.  She realized there was something significant about it for me.

 Yesterday I came across another breast cancer survivor who now says that October, Breast Cancer Awareness Month, is a dreaded month for her.  I wondered if I would feel the same in the future? Today when I'm not feeling all pumpkins and flowers... more like mack truck and deep pits...when that sadness creeps up on the left of me....how could I still love October in the future?

Today, I thought this:  I get to choose.  That's right.  My choice.  I did not get to choose the diagnosis (boo, hiss, but still really good in the breast cancer realm) or the prognosis (praise, blessing,life!), but I do get to choose my attitude.

I have always loved pumpkins and only now do I realize how beautiful they look next to the October pink blooming camellias that my GardenBuddy Meghan planted last year.  She had no idea when she planted those in 2015 that those pink blooms in October would be the color of my memory of 2016. 

I can choose to remember the color of healing through God's hands and His people who have surrounded me or I can choose to remember the pain and losses.  I suspect there is a healthy way to remember both as God uses it all to bring glory to Himself and growth to us.   I suspect this balance is much of what I need in order to choose the right attitude...the healthy attitude.

This next year will be a balance of patience for the healing process and grace for myself on the difficult days....a balance of choosing joy even as I allow myself to grieve the changes....a balance of focusing inward while still reaching outward....a balance of memories and on-going dreams for the future....a balance of loving pumpkins and pink camellias.

It's Only Temporary

Ever since I've come home I've walked through pink balloons with words of encouragement written on them.  Upstairs, downstairs...everywhere pink balloons and crepe paper streamers.  My dear daughter and her friend who is like my daughter wanted it to be a happy homecoming.  Also, every time I walk up or down my stairs I'm surrounded by cards and letters of encouragement.

Fight Club Supporters

As much as I hate to admit it, not every day feels likes pink balloons and streamers.  Yesterday was one of the bad days.  One of the difficult days.  Bleary eyed after a night of poor sleep and pain I finally caved in to take a nap on the couch.  The effects of a muscle relaxer making the edges of my brain less edgy, less determined to keep pushing through.

Words of wisdom from Erin.

As I made my foggy way to the couch I got a glimpse of this balloon and now it is something I keep reminding myself.  Wise words written by my daughter who knew I would need this reminder.  Now I keep saying this over and over.  

The change in my life is forever....this is a positive change I believe because God knows I always need worked on.  No change is without pain, no growth is without pain....I know all of this is for good and will have HUGE kingdom impact.

BUT, this affliction is only temporary, and even in this affliction I'm blessed beyond belief.   I am cancer free.  I am surrounded by 24 hour care through this amazing community.  My eternal salvation is secure in Christ.

It's only temporary and life is to be lived again!  Super yay!

So, no matter your affliction I hope you get a pink balloon reminder that it's only temporary and that God fills you with grace enough for the day.

New Life

I knew in my mind that my lymph nodes were clear and felt such relief.  Relief that words just can't do justice for, BUT the other part of me was still waiting for the other shoe to drop...the news that there was some micro-invasion and I would need chemotherapy.  Still better than lymph nodes but not happy news.

Beautiful gift from a friend the day I heard the awesome news.

WELL, my general contractor called me and told me there is NO MORE CANCER!  NONE. NOTHING LEFT!  Can you believe that!?  Our God is a MIGHTY MIGHTY GOD.  He answered prayers abundantly more than I even imagined He would.  The prayers of all of you mighty pink prayer warriors have been answered.  Spread the awesome news!  My cancer was very early and stayed contained so the whole story is a God story!

I go back to the Reconstruction Man next week and my need one more surgery as some skin may not survive.  It not we just cut it off and start over.  I'm ok with this.  No cancer is worth it.  I have no regrets about being this aggressive.  None.

The waterworks still come and go without warning.  Emotions all over the place.  My mind is not as clear most days as I would like.  After effects of anesthesia and poor sleep more nights than not.  Imagine sleeping on your back all night.  That part is hard.  We wedge me in with blankets and pillows so I can't roll over.  A literal pig in a blanket.  

I still have babysitters which I'm super thankful for.  I can't reach up in cabinets or shower by myself.  My friends and family and in laws have bathed me, shaved me and dressed me.  Put ointment on my wounds.  Kept the kitchen and house clean.  Being helpless makes you appreciate the community who loves me.

I still get pink reminders and encouragements.  Somewhere there's a football team wearing hot pink socks to be part of my fight club.  I don't even know any of these boys but they are out there being sweet on the field while girls in the stands hold up signs that say Sondie's Fight Club. That people want to pay it forward is amazing to me.  I pray blessings on every one of you and that some day your kindness will come right back to you when you need it most.

pink pumpkin with a pumpkin heirloom candle, smells like friendship!

Listen to Lauren Daigle's I Will Trust in You. This has been my theme song since August.  May it speak to your soul.  Sorry but I can't get the link to work.  Just google her!

As your weekend plays itself out take time to enjoy the fall weather.  Take time to thank our Good Good Father above that even in times of afflictions He is ever present.  Take time to be His hands and feet to someone in need.

Take. Time. 

Green Goblins

Well, I have returned to the land of the living.  I have lost last week.  My last real memory was having a party in the holding area, lots of fun and games going to OR.   That's where the fun ended.

 After that I have glimpses of being in recovery room, then in a hospital room and people's voices and some blurry faces.  Cards and flowers.  Laughter and tears.  Sisters and friends.  My filter doesn't always work well so with the drugs on board I'm sure I said things that were worse than usual.  I got stuck on alliteration...mastectomy, Matthew, Moore Regional, Millicent...magically delicious.  

my land of nod friends.

I spent from Thursday until today in never never land.  I only have very vague memories of giant sponges and saving kings and doing thyroid exams.  My poor family just about took me back to the hospital because they had no idea what to do with me and I couldn't help them.

No one slept at my house until last night.  We finally got the right combination of medications and I woke up this morning without a haze in my eye.  My poor twin got no sleep the whole time she was here.  I have no answers.  I never take medications so I guess they all just caught up with me.  Maybe it was Hurricane Matthew?  I missed all of him.

When I saw these cookies Erin made today I felt like I was meeting the friends from my land of nod for the past week.  How did she know?!

I believe I've turned a good corner now.  My sister in law is here now and people are delivering meals in spite of power outages.  Erin has been home from school so the cocoon I'm recovering in is a good one.  

Tomorrow I hope I am more clear headed than I am today.  I still have some fuzzy corners but that beats living with the green goblins of the last week.  Thanks for all you pink warriors standing by my side.  Praying in the gaps at times I haven't been able to pray.

Much much love to you all.

Post Surgery Update

Hello, out there! Sondie asked that I update her blog after surgery for any of you who might be following here for information. This won't be nearly as eloquent as her writing, but it will let you know how she's doing!

1. Surgery went very well. It started around 8 am and took about 4 hours. Both the Demolition Man and Reconstruction Dude said it couldn't have gone smoother. 

2. Pathology on the lymph nodes won't be back until Friday at the earliest. So please pray that there is no cancer there and therefore no need for chemo. 

3. She's been having some pain but it seems to be under control. 

4. Marty and Erin have been troopers and her sisters have been gems, making sure her every need has been met. Friend and nurse Sandy spent the night with her in the hospital making sure she kept the pain meds going on regular intervals. 

5. Erin and buddy Mary decorated the house with pink pigs today for her homecoming! So sweet!

6. Yes! She's home as of this afternoon. Still having pain but managing through it. I'm sure there will be some more rough spots over the next couple of days, so please pray for her.

7. She is so appreciative of all the visits, notes, and calls. She loves you all. Thank you. 

While we are here chatting...

Let's talk books!  Something other than cancer.  ha.   I have loved books and stories ever since I can remember.  I am an avid collector of written and spoken stories.

crafty sign by Laurie and Dale Inc.

Here is what I read in September:

1.  Jane Eyre-classic fiction 

2.  The Rare Jewel of Christian Contentment-christian nonfiction, finally finished this one that I started back in August.  Well worth the time!

3. The One-in-a-Million Boy-current fiction and a fabulous read.

4.  Prayer: Experiencing Awe and Intimacy with God-christian nonfiction, by my FAVORITE preacher man Tim Keller.

5.  Anecdotes of Destiny & Ehrengard- classic fiction/short stories, book club selection.

6.  Lab Girl- current nonficiton, enjoyed this one too!

That wraps up September reading!  Now on to October.  I'm always open to suggestions if y'all have any.

Happy Reading!  

The Wearing of the Pink

I have never been a big fan of pink until now.  

Now I am learning that pink is the color of warriors.  Suddenly, when I see pink or wear pink I feel stronger, braver and more joyful.  Pink is part of faith growing.

 It is a visual reminder of the great God I serve and how He sustains me.  Of the mighty warrior God He is.  That He is ever fighting for me.  

Erin plans to wear pink every day this month, Breast Cancer Awareness Month.  Ahem, we are very aware. This battle has been brought to our front door and we are fighting.  Well, God in us and through us is fighting.  He trumps our weak efforts every time.

The waiting is coming to a close for this leg of the journey.   Surgery is this Wednesday, October 5th.  A good way to start the month of breast cancer awareness I'd say. 

The Demolition Man and Reconstruction Man are ready to go to work.  I am ready too.  

I am a warrior and I will wear pink. 

Stars in the Storm

We wanted to pray before we went our separate ways, but had already scooted out of the house headed to our cars. So we gathered in the driveway.

We stood in a tight circle, arms draped around waists.  The wind whirled all about us while the drum beat of thunder played a stormy song. The clouds made effervescent by the endless lightening that rolled across the sky. No rain yet.

In that tight circle, under that powerful sky, we prayed.  After the amen none of us moved. The presence of God hovered over us.  

One of us looked up and noticed that although the storm surrounded us, the sky above our heads was twinkling with stars.  An awesome reminder that even in the storm God doesn't remove the stars. We don't always see them but tonight we did.

We stood.  Awestruck.  Wonderstruck.  A very surreal moment.  A beautiful gift from God that each of us felt.

 Tonight we saw the stars in the storm.

Thank you Bible study girls (SAS) for standing in the storm.

Two Hands

Not much to say today.  Just counting down.  The waiting has been one of the most challenging parts of this journey from the get go.  

On the one hand...I AM READY.  Cancer be removed.

On the other hand....I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS.  Cancer just disappear.

On the one hand...I am counting down in my head and in my heart until October 5.

On the other hand....I am astounded by how many of you are counting down with me.  wow.

On the one hand....I still can't believe the support that surrounds me.

On the other hand....I continue to receive DAILY reminders of your love so I know it is real.  

Really, y'all.  Amazing support.  Books, cards, prayers, blankets, journals, PJ's, the S5 necklace, flowers, emails, texts, stones, more prayers, pictures.  I could cry rivers over all this.  I feel so unworthy of these blessings and I will never be able to thank you all.  By posting some of this I am trying to let you know how much it means.

Today was this card from my neighbor.  Can you see the little pink sparkles on it?  That's glitter.  How fun is that?

The pink glitter that showered out of this precious card was a visual reminder of the love y'all are showering on me.  Today was a day I needed to be reminded of pink glitter and a joy filled heart.

The countdown continues.

Doctor Day

Today was doctor day for the first time in a few weeks.  I met the Reconstruction Man.  

In case you are wondering I have a General Contractor Woman (oncologist), a Demolition Man (general surgeon) and now a Reconstruction Man (plastic surgeon).  It was good to finally meet him and get an idea of what to expect.  

The appointment started by talking with the nurse and doing a photo shoot.  Although it was a little more than weird to stand in front of the blue screen like when you get your picture taken for your driver's license BUT this time you aren't wearing your shirt...or your bra....yes, while having your picture taken.  ahem.

As I posed facing forward and then to each side I wondered if I should smile.  I almost made silly faces.  Then I thought about doing that "stay fierce" thing but I figured that would mess up the picture.  So I just stood as I was told to stand, and am pretty sure the look on my face was pensive.  

While I waited on the doctor to come in I played with all the sample implants.  I wondered which one I would choose.  Round, teardrop, floaty, firm, gel like. Who knew there were so many to choose from??

When the Demo Man came in I got the low down.  I learned where the incisions would be and how this whole thing would work.  Basically the Demolition Man will remove my stuffing and the Reconstruction Man will put in new stuffing.  I will start with less stuffing and gradually get my stuffing back to the size I want.  

My went back to when Erin was 3 years old on her first trip to Build-a- Bear with her cousins Biz and Khi.  They picked their bears and made promises while holding the hearts that would be put in their bears. They named them and stuffed them.   It was all undertaken with a beautiful blend of joy and responsibility for their new stuffed animals.  Now instead of being in the build- a- bear season we are in the build -a -boob season. 

 I remembered that childhood joy and I wondered if he could put some glitter in with my new stuffing. Maybe pink glitter? No one would see the glitter but I would feel like a walking party! Distracted by having a party on my chest I was suddenly jolted back to reality with talk of drains and scaffolding made of cadaver skin. Guess I won't be getting pink glitter.

Later, once the expanders are out and the implants are in, I should be done.  He did prepare me that I might need some spackling in the future.  I immediately offered up my thighs to provide the spackling compound.  

While this won't be glitter party, I will be just fine.  I feel very comfortable with team of people working on my body.  I also feel amazingly blessed for all the support surrounding me.  

This is all going to be ok.  I just know it. 

Thank You for the Porch Presents and More!

My neighbor and breast cancer warrior woman Laura stopped by today with this set of keychain verses.  Someone made a set for her during her breast cancer battle, so she does it for others now.  I never even knew such a thing existed.  Talk about a tear jerker.  It is another way God keeps showing Himself to me through all of you.  She also spent time walking me through some of my 10% moments of the last week.  Such a gift!

And notice the flowers, another neighbor left them on my porch yesterday.  Plus, a whole nother neighbor has kept me in fresh flowers since the diagnosis.  Wow...Matter of fact, I've had fresh flowers in several rooms of my home!  Sweet reminders of God's presence with me and my family right now.

Many of you have texted, called, emailed, commented on my twin's Facebook (Susie says I can say her name haha) or my husband Marty's Facebook page. You have texted Marty or my daughter Erin to love and support them too. You have sent hand written notes and cards. You have hand delivered coffee, poetry books and wine to my office.  You have visited with me, laid across my bed and cried with me.  Gone to dinner with Marty and I as we sift through this.  MOST importantly, you are praying. Y'all have been amazing support. 

I do not deserve any of this.  I will never be able to repay or thank you enough.

 You are my Fight Club.

We are a Symphony

Hello on this Sabbath day.

I spent some time this morning with eyes focused on my concert master (Scripture) and conductor (God) and reflected on my week. I thought about the instrument God created me to be and the song He is playing through my life.

Where are these symphony analogies coming from you ask?  From Beth Moore.  I spent Saturday at the Beth Moore simulcast at my church. Being a former French horn player the symphony analogy really resonated with my spirit.

She said something like this:

We all have a chair in God's great symphony.  We are not the audience.  The chair we sit in is the one God wants us in.  We are the very instruments He created us to be.  We need to stay in tune through scripture as our concert master (in a symphony the concert master is the first chair violinist) and we need to keep our eyes focused on the conductor (God).  If we don't stay in the Word we will get out of tune AND whomever/whatever our eyes are focused on becomes our conductor.  No one but God should be our conductor.  He alone needs to be the boss of me for sure.

Another point from Beth is that a symphony is a community.  We need one another.  Our music is best played when in concert with others. God is reminding me of His call to live in community in a very real way right now.  I soaked up the music of many lovely instruments at the simulcast. Through conversations with old friends and lunch with some new friends, I left amazed at what God has done and is doing.  I left with a thankful heart that so many women are sitting in their chairs playing their God songs.

Sometimes we don't like the song God gives us to play.  We may not even like the instrument we are.  BUT even when we are in a painful season we must not vacate our chairs and fall down in the pit.  God uses the painful seasons in our lives.  These seasons give our souls weight and become part of our song.  A song with a majestic melody a heavenward harmony played through us to reach others. 

There's a breast cancer warrior woman in this group!

Like the warrior woman I had the privilege of spending time with Friday night.  Her life song has reached many that would not have been reached if not for her beautiful music.  She is younger than me by over a decade but she has been instrumental in my journey so far.

As I drove home from the simulcast, top down of course, simply enjoying the wind in the setting sun I had a 10% moment.  I cried.  I wasn't feeling sad when it started, I was simply thinking about all that I had heard. I started thinking about my song and suddenly thought "I don't want breast cancer to be my song."  

But it is.  So I choose to continue playing my horn through the pain.  I refuse the pit.  This pain will count.  

With eyes on my concert master and conductor I play on.  Yes, I play on.  

So must you.

Peace on this Sabbath day.

While You Wait

The last month has been a mix of whirlwind and waiting.  You walk around with your body on Earth and your mind on Mars from the Bad Mammogram to the first biopsy results. Your emotions are about 50% Run Amuck and 50% Peace at this point.

 Then you decide that your left boob is not your friend and you are done with her.  The percentage improves to 60-40% now.

Between the next week of tests and biopsy on the right boob you realize that she is too is a turncoat and not to be trusted.  You battle Peace and Run Amuck and hit about 70-30%.

You research and review and meet your oncologist and decide to go for the gold.  Double or Nothing.  Now you function at the 90-10%.  Much better.

While all of this is going on, you nest.  Yes, nest.  It is a similar feeling to when you are about to have a baby and you want everything prepared.  But this time you want everything prepared for your recovery because you know you will be out of commission about a month.

You buy bedding and sheets that you have wanted for 10 years.

Your husband and a few friends finish the reconstruction on your bedroom because you know that you don't want your boobs and your bedroom both to be under construction at the same time.  Plus husbands and men are fixers and this is something they can fix.

Queen Esther Brown

You take advantage of a Labor Day Sale on a giant chicken picture because you really like the look in her eye.  You name her Queen Esther Brown and hang her in your dining room because you like the idea of her presiding over the meals around your table.

You splash Fall decor around your house because this is your favorite season and you don't want to miss it.

You ride with your top down as much as possible because your soul loves the sweetness of the sunshine and your skin loves the dancing of the wind.  You seriously do not care what your hair looks like. You also like the sneakiness of capturing a picture as you slow down for the red light.

You realize that while money in your pocket is important, a pocket full of family and friends is luxurious....and you like luxury.  From the people who lived near you in the holler, to childhood and school friends, to co-workers, to Neighbors, to your church family, to your family-family, to your Old Fat Hogs, S5, Book & Bottle, Shine Girls, SAS, Team Neese and missionary friends you know you have more than you deserve.

Your head leaves Mars and travels back to Earth to meet up with your body again.  You know who you are, where you come from and where your eternal home is.  No boobs needed.

 You realize you are a daughter of the Most High God and you live in the lap of luxury.